(IT'S YO PLAYING)
* I look inside my crystal ball of desire
* And know why rapid beats my heart
* I see the spark
* I feel the flame of the fire
* Letting me know love wants to start
* No more playing around
* No more waiting around for the special one to come
* No more wearing a frown
* No more tears coming down 'cause I know what I want
* And I want what I know Is you
* Nobody has to tell me so
* It's you, it's you
* You're the angel sent from heaven above
* It's you
* Nobody has to tell me so
* It's you
* You're that angel sent from heaven above for me
* Me for you and you for me
* If only I had not waited
* I would have picked the wrong one
* If only I had not waited my life would be undone
* If only I had not waited
* I would have picked the wrong one
* If only I had not waited
* For you
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
(MAN WHISTLING)
TEDDY: How the hell did I get up here?
I still can't believe it.
Just four weeks ago, I was a completely different person.
I had no adventure in my life.
I had a wife. I had a family.
And I never looked twice when a pretty girl walked by.
Never.
(THE WOMAN IN RE PLAYING)
* The woman in red The woman in red
* The woman in red See the woman in red
* Like fine wine she's going straight to my head
* The woman in red The woman in red
* The woman in red See the woman in red
* I'll settle for nothin' less than her instead
* The woman in red The woman in red
* The woman in red See the woman in red
* Like fine wine she's going to my head
* The woman in red The woman in red
* The woman in red See the woman in red
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
* The woman in red The woman in red
* The woman in red See the woman in red
* Like fine wine she's going straight to my head
* The woman in red The woman in red
* The woman in red See the woman in red *
Four, please.
Me, too.
(WHISTLING LOVE STORY THEME)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Can I help you? I'm looking...
Oh, what's that?
It's the air conditioner.
It'll come on in a second. Oh.
Oh, oops! Sorry. Excuse me.
Oh! Oh! I beg your pardon.
This is my briefcase.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
I don't know.
Oh, I never tried it that way before.
No, I'm not worried.
It's just that I've never tried it in that position before.
It's all new to me.
I know you have to wet it before you put it in.
Well, you have to or it could break off.
How far? I don't know how far.
All the way, I suppose.
I know you have to keep wiggling it
to get all the hairs off, though.
All right, all right.
Put that phone down.
I can't talk now. I'll call you back later.
Do you have to talk like that at work?
Can't you save that filthy stuff until you get home?
That was my brother.
Your brother?
Yeah.
He and I are trying to set up a photo processing lab at my place.
That way I can take stuff home...
For example... All right, all right, all right.
Where's the figures on the cable car campaign?
It's on the third floor.
Well, get them for me right away! Please.
We've wasted enough time on this nonsense.
Yes, sir.
* Pretty little woman in red
* Pretty little woman
* Pretty little Pretty little woman in red
* Pretty little woman in red
* Pretty little woman in red *
(RINGING)
MAN 1: I want you to roll down a map and just show it to me.
MAN 2: All right, sure.
Okay...
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hello.
Will you have dinner with me tonight?
What?
La Primavera in North Beach...
Tonight.
I know who you are.
9:00?
Why?
Just because.
(VOICE SHAKING) I, um...
I can't, uh, make it at 9:00.
Uh...
Say 9:10?
Yes.
(DIAL TONE)
(GASPING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Why are you speaking to me in German?
(HESITATING)
Why?
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
I mean, the modeling agency told me that you were from Germany.
Uh, it's not me.
Well, I'd better check.
Where am I going?
Oh! Yeah.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
(MUTTERING IN GERMAN)
(CRASHING)
MAN 1: If we get in trouble, with the school board, it's going to be your fault.
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
How do I look?
The earrings are too much, aren't they?
Here. You keep them for me, honey, and...
I'll do it. You keep your eyes on the road.
They were killing me anyway.
Didi, what was I going to ask you?
I wanted to ask you something.
Oh, uh, would you like to go to the movies tonight?
Tonight's study group.
What do you mean? What's today? Today's Wednesday?
I thought today was Thursday.
What's the matter with me?
Well, I'd like to go anyway, if it's all right with you.
I don't think I can put up with those crazies tonight.
It's all arranged.
You're taking the girls to the movies.
I promised them you would.
Anyway, you deserve a night out.
So what do you say?
What do you mean? Of course. Sure.
You're wonderful.
(SIGHS)
Honey.
See you tonight.
Thanks for the lift.
You know, you're cute when you serve.
Go ahead, Teddy, don't be nervous...
What are you nervous about? Serve the ball.
Aw, come on, calm down. Let the man serve, will you please, Buddy?
You have nothing to worry about. It's only set point.
I mean, it's not like it's your life.
It's just your self-respect.
Give him that solid one. Give him the ace. Teddy, come on.
What is it? Am I talking too much?
All right, we'll calm down, okay? Take it easy.
Let's all take a break. Teddy wants to serve. Okay?
You can do it, babe. You can put it right in there.
Hey! What a serve!
Switch.
Ok, Mikey, here we go. Now, you ready?
Get that racket ready. I'm coming at you!
This baby is mine.
You hit the net. On the follow-through.
Well, you can't hit the net!
On the follow through!
No! You still can't hit the net.
I hit it on the follow-through, Mikey.
I hit the ball first, then the net on the follow-through.
It's our point. The score is six-two. You're in the shithouse.
Anybody ever tell you you're cute?
Oh, you're cute, too.
How you doing? Okay.
What's the matter? Is he getting to you?
(BOTH LAUGH)
No. So what's the matter?
Nothing.
Hey, hey, look at that.
BUDDY: Oh, my. That is serious nautilus.
JOE: Miss. Oh, miss! Thank you.
Those are fine looking rackets you got there, girls.
What are they, Heads?
Ah!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, Joey, there's a phone call for you.
Do me a favor. Take it for me, will you, Mikey?
I met them on two separate nights.
How am I supposed to know that they're sisters?
You're in a lot of trouble, Joey.
No way! I got a date with the little one at 7:00
and the older one at 9:15. Plenty of time.
What about Theresa?
Well, doesn't she notice anything
when you go with someone for a while?
Like you used to go with that girl before?
Doesn't she think anything's up when you do that?
Look, Theresa's got the kids to worry about all day.
She's too busy to notice anything.
And they're great kids. Hey, look, she's 38 years old,
she's a very happily married woman.
You see her. She smiles all the time.
Does she do it?
Does she do what?
What do you mean, "Does she do what?"
What do you mean? "Does she do what?"
(BOTH LAUGHING) Well, does she do it, too?
Do what, too?
Does she have affairs, too?
Ooh.
(SCOFFS)
Teddy, you're my friend and I love you.
You're a sweet and sensitive guy.
But you're very naive to think that my Theresa,
my Saint Theresa would fool around.
Could you imagine this? I just asked a question.
Do you believe this man asking
whether my Theresa would fool around?
I find it hard to imagine your wife sleeping with you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, Teddy, Teddy, what am I laughing at?
(LAUGHS)
Are you sure?
(WOMAN CHATTERING OVER PHONE)
All right. I'll let him know.
Thank you.
Are you staying for lunch, Doctor?
No. Joey!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HORNS HONKING)
MAN: Moron, watch it! You stupid jerk!
BUDDY: What else did the neighbor say?
Nothing. She was coming over to return a warming tray
and she ran into the whole bunch coming down the steps.
Theresa, the kids, and all the furniture.
There was a big van waiting for them.
BUDDY: What a bitch.
TEDDY: Come on. Come on. She was our friend, too.
BUDDY: Wonder if it was her furniture?
What do you have to talk about that for?
What shall we do? Should we all cry?
Just want to know if she had a right to take all the furniture.
Is it from Theresa?
(CLICKING TONGUE)
She found a picture of me with another woman.
Naked?
In a nightclub.
This, uh...
This isn't happening.
This isn't fucking happening!
It's not happening!
Son of a bitch!
That's it!
Fucking whore!
BUDDY: Teddy, what can we do to cheer up Joey?
Want to do the blind man with me tonight?
I can't do the blind man, Buddy.
Mikey, you'll do the blind man with me?
No, no. I get too nervous.
Oh, come on, Joey needs a good...
We'll take him to that ritzy-titsy place where they threw him out.
Which place? I get too nervous.
He came in with a beautiful cardigan,
they wanted him to put on one of their crummy jackets.
You're kidding.
Okay, Mikey? Come on. No, I get too nervous.
What, are you tied up with Mrs. Schumacher? No, I'm not...
What Mrs. Schumacher?
His boss's wife. I don't believe it.
I'm telling you. You were away on vacation.
Ask him. He's banging Dr. Schumacher's wife.
You son of a gun! Are you making it with Schumacher's wife?
Only at night. BUDDY: And only if it's an emergency.
TEDDY: Only at night?
The time that it takes me to drive over there
is the exact same time that it takes him to scrub and put on his gloves.
So if it's not a big job, it's not worth it.
If it's appendicitis, I don't go.
But if it's peritonitis or a gall bladder...
BUDDY: (IN FEMALE VOICE) Hello, honey. Good news. It's a quadruple bypass.
So, you say it like this...
"Is Mr. Pierce there, please?"
Very timid.
Is Mr. Pierce there, please?
That's it. Just like that.
And then I'll get on the phone, I'll say, "Hello."
And then I'm going to wait a few seconds,
like I'm listening to you.
And then I'll say,
"What? You want me to come out right now?
"Are you sure that you can't handle this by yourself, Richard?"
Who's Richard?
Richard's my assistant.
He works here at the office with me.
Clear? Mmm-hmm.
Is it a woman?
No, no. It's, uh...
(LAUGHING) "Is it a woman?"
What goes on in your head?
No, it's just we're planning...
We... We're... Well, it's too complicated.
But don't tell Didi because it's a wonderful surprise.
MICHAEL: You want me to call you at 8:15?
8:15. It has to be at 8:15 sharp.
(THUNDER CRACKLING)
TEDDY: Aw! Hi, Daddy.
Hello, sweetie-pie.
Did Mom tell you about tonight?
Oh, no.
Oh, Missy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Daddy,
but Shelly didn't get the tickets until 4:00.
I know you really wanted to go to the movie,
but it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance,
and Shelly's uncle had some pull.
What tickets are you talking about?
David Bowie.
You mean, you can't go to the movie?
Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy. I feel so bad.
No, no, no. Don't be silly.
Are you really disappointed?
Well... No, I mean, I wanted to go, sure, but, uh...
So these things happen. I understand that.
Uh, you remember Shelly, don't you?
Of course.
How are you?
I'm fine.
You're a Jewish boy, aren't you?
My mother and father are Jewish.
I see.
Uh-huh.
You're taking my little girl to see David Booie?
MISSY: Bowie, Daddy.
Bowie. Bowie.
You take care of my girl.
And of course, I'm sure you've heard about the Alphabet Diet.
Now, that takes 26 weeks.
The first week,
you're allowed anything that begins with an "A."
And then, on to the second week,
you're allowed anything that begins with a "B."
There's only one problem. Sorry.
You have to watch yourself carefully,
because by the time you get to "P,"
you might put on all the weight you lost on "K."
Excuse me.
So... And then when you get to "X," it's very, very difficult
because you start making up your own spelling,
like "X" Benedict, "X"tra helpings. Whoa!
So I would not recommend that diet.
You go through my pockets now? (GASPING) Oh!
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Oh, no. Not yet.
I, uh, I owe Marty $10.
I think he likes you.
You think everyone likes me.
Well, they do.
Well.
Can I get you anything before I start my study group?
Oh, God.
(YELLING)
What? Honey, what's the matter?
Oh, nothing.
It's not even worth talking about.
What?
Oh, I was just leaving my office
and the boss comes in with all this pile of stuff
and two assistants and says,
"Ted, clean this up for tomorrow morning, will you?"
"Clean this up"! Now I'm a cleaning man.
Aw! Will it take long?
Take long? No. Not if I work all night.
I'm just so tired, that's all.
I just don't know if I can stay awake. I'm so tired.
Oh, baby.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, I gave half to Richard, but, you know, he panics.
He gets so nervous.
I don't know if he can handle it.
Poor baby.
(GROANING) Can I get you a drink? Hmm?
You know, I really think they're taking advantage of me.
You want Campari and soda?
Yeah, yeah. That would be nice.
Aw.
Thanks.
(SIGHS)
You just...
You got to draw a line and say, "No more!
"You can't go past this line!"
DIDI: Who's staying for dinner?
(HUMMING LOVE STORY THEME)
Honey, why are you shaving?
(HUMMING STOPS)
Why am I shaving?
What the hell's the matter with me?
(SIGHS)
Did you want this tie out?
No. What do I want another tie for?
Honey, you're overtired.
I think that you should take a little nap before you eat.
(SIGHING)
(BOY CHATTERING)
DIDI: Come here and sit close to me.
(CHATTERING CONTINUES)
What's this?
What do you mean, "What's this?" This is Joe's little boy.
I know it's Joe's little boy, but what's he doing here?
S-M-I-L-E.
Where is his M-O-M-M-Y?
She didn't tell me.
It's just for one night.
She didn't tell you?
No, she didn't.
Don't frighten him.
(COOING)
(CHUCKLES)
What a cute little pee-pee!
Oh, you leave his little pee-pee alone.
His daddy's little pee-pee started all this.
One, two, three, hit it.
Hello, gentlemen. How are we tonight?
Fine, fine. How are you feeling, Andy?
How am I feeling? What do you mean, "How am I feeling?"
Why shouldn't I be feeling fine?
No, no, no. This nice man just wanted to know how you were.
I'm fabulous!
I've never felt better in my life!
Well, uh, great, great.
What will you have, gentlemen?
What'll you have, Andy?
Southern Comfort on the rocks.
Make that two.
Okay, you bet.
(WHISPERING) I'll be right back.
I've got to go lock my car.
There you are. There you are.
Cigarette?
What was that?
Oh, nothing, sir. Just setting up your drinks.
Oh.
What was that?
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Jake?
(GLASSES SHATTERING)
Jake!
He said he'll be back... Jake!
He said he'd be back in just a minute, Andy.
How did you know my name?
Your friend called you that. He said...
Jake! Jake!
Ooh!
(INAUDIBLE)
Jake? (YELLING) Jake, where are you?
(DISHES CLATTERING)
Jake! Jake, where are you?
(CHATTERING) What is it?
What are you doing? What are you doing with me?
(WAITER GRUNTING)
(DISHES SHATTERING)
Oh, what is this?
What the hell is this thing?
What kind of a place is this?
Jake!
I'm right here, Andy.
I'm right here. I'm right here.
Oh, don't ever leave me again, Jake.
Oh! Jake!
I... I'm sorry. He can't, uh... He's, he's...
Sorry.
WOMAN: (RECORDED VOICE) At the tone,
the time will be 8:09 and 50 seconds.
(BEEPS)
All right, time to go back to bed.
You don't want your mommy to be angry with me, do you?
Come here.
(DIDI HUMMING)
I want my mommy.
Psst.
TEDDY: That's good. That's okay. That's okay.
When you wake up, your mommy will be here to pick you up.
Night-night.
(SIGHS)
Is she on a date?
I don't know.
She asked me to keep him for one night.
Well, what about the other kids?
I don't know.
What am I supposed to say to Joe?
Nothing!
Don't you tell that son of a bitch anything.
Oh, come on now. He's our friend.
He's a rat!
I would have left him long before she did.
What is that supposed to mean?
If anything like that ever happened to us,
I don't know what I would do.
We'd better just drop the subject.
No, no. Now, wait a minute.
Now we're talking nicely and calmly.
Let's hear what you have to say on this subject.
Teddy...
I know you think you know everything about me,
but you don't.
I'm really a very jealous woman.
I know you think emotionally I'm like this.
But you know, I really am a little crazy.
Oh!
But just in some ways.
Oh.
Why are you telling me all this?
Well, you asked me...
Yeah, I know, I asked you, but you make it sound as if we're not...
(GUNSHOT) (BOTH EXCLAIM)
What... What have you got there?
It's a gun.
I know it's a gun, but when did you ever get a gun?
Mama gave it to me after they moved.
Oh!
You realize you might have shot me.
Oh, I would never do that. And not without a reason.
You're not like Joe.
Do you know what he did to Theresa, right in front of me?
He had his secretary call at 10:00 at night
and say he had work to do at the office.
He did that?
Yes.
You mean that old trick still works?
Oh, not anymore.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I'll get it.
Hello.
Yes, just a minute. It's Richard.
Hello.
Hello. Yes, Richard. How are you?
Yes.
You what?
You want, (LAUGHING) you... Is this a joke?
You want me to... You want me to do what?
Are you crazy?
They said, they said...
They said I should do...
I should... I should do what?
They want me to come out at 10:00 at night
and leave my wife and children?
I don't care, 8:15, 10:00.
What difference does it make?
I'm not a wind-up toy!
You tell my superiors at the office,
who can give me raises and promotions,
that if they don't like my answer,
they can go take it and shove it up their ass!
(DIAL TONE)
That's the best joke I've heard all year.
(MEN CLAMORING)
Now what's going on?
Hey! Hey, fellows! Hey, hey, come on, now.
Come on, let's just shake hands,
we'll go home and we'll... Oh!
MAN: What the hell did you hit him for?
What kind of a fellow are you, pushes a blind man?
(WEAKNES PLAYING)
* Oh, everyone has got
* A weakness in life
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
* Girl, you just happen to be mine
Hello.
Uh-huh.
Okay. I'll be right over, sweetheart.
Are you sure it's a gallbladder?
* Yeah
* Everyone has got
* A certain weakness in life
* Boy, you just happen to be mine
* And you know everyone
* Everyone has got
* A certain weakness in life
* Your love just happens to be mine
* Oh, mine
* Everyone has got
* A weakness in life
* Girl, you just happen to be mine
* Say you're mine
* Everyone has got
* A certain weakness in life
* Your love just happens to be mine *
(SHIP HORN BLARING)
(SCRATCHING)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
You better hurry. They moved the meeting up 15 minutes.
Why doesn't anybody ever tell me these things?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
(SIGHS) It's like an oven over there.
Air conditioning must be on the blink again.
What's that?
Oh, she's the girl they chose for the cable car campaign.
Oh, yes? Yes.
Who is she?
Ask the boss. He found her.
He goes riding once a week in Golden Gate Park.
Guess what he saw galloping through the fog.
Horseback riding? Hmm.
(MAN URGING HORSE)
(GRUNTING)
Uh, ridden much?
Yeah, since I was a little boy.
I used to teach horseback riding to earn extra money.
See you later.
Okay. Here we go.
Come on, boy.
That's it.
Uh, everything okay?
Yes. Yes. I have a pebble in my finger in the glove.
Better to get it out now than when you're tearing along like that, you know?
Yeah.
Okay, come on, big fella.
(LAUGHS) Hi-ho, Thunder! Away!
(GRUNTS)
Uh, everything's okay?
Yeah, I was just wondering whether I should call my wife.
Yah!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey! The trail to the left is the prettiest!
Yes, I just want to take a look over here for a second.
TEDDY: I searched all day long,
but I couldn't find that woman who was haunting me.
(PIANO PLAYING)
TEDDY: (OVER PHONE) Hello.
How would you like to smoke the peace pipe?
Who is this?
Oh, you don't know me?
I had dinner alone at La Primavera.
It's you.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there the other night.
Please forgive me.
My mother had a heart attack.
I had to spend the whole night with her in the hospital.
Oh. How is she?
Better, better. She's trotting around...
I mean, she's walking around nicely now,
but it was a terribly close call.
Do you know Le Club at the corner of Jones Street and Clay?
Yes.
5:00.
(DIAL TONE)
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi-ho, pal. Got a light?
Yeah.
Thanks. Catch you later. Sure.
(YELLS)
(HORN HONKING)
Oh!
(GRUNTING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GASPS)
Heart.
Family. Heart.
Ooh!
Oh! Oh, oh!
Ah! Ah!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
(GASPING CONTINUES)
TEDDY: Help!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Help!
(CARS HONKING)
Somebody help!
(LOUD CRASHING)
(HONKING CONTINUES)
(HISSING)
Hello!
Wait!
(HORSE WHINNYING)
Don't move. Don't move.
Move! Move!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoa! Hello!
Wait!
Hello there!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, easy, big fella! Easy!
(HORSE GRUNTING)
Whoa, whoa!
(TEDDY EXCLAIMING)
Steady, Thunder! Whoa!
Steady, boy. Take it easy.
Everything's under control.
You're in no danger whatsoever.
Easy does it! Don't be nervous.
Hello there.
Hello.
That's a gorgeous animal you have there.
I'm somewhat of an expert.
That's a superb specimen. She's a beauty.
Yes, he is nice. Thank you.
Wait! Wait!
Move! Move! Go!
Right, Thunder! To the right...
Thunder, to the right!
(THUNDER WHINNYING)
Hello again.
Mind if I ride along with you for a while?
No, I don't mind.
Fancy meeting you here.
Do you ride very often?
Oh, yes. Since I was a boy.
I used to teach riding in order to earn a little extra money.
Oh, really? Oh, yes.
Uh, by the way,
about the other night, I wanted to explain.
What other night?
Oh, I see. Excuse me.
All right, want to play it that way?
That's all right with me. I don't mind. Whoo!
Whoops! My riding crop.
Oh, that's all right. I'll get it.
Say "I'm sorry," Thunder.
Say, "I am sorry."
Thunder is a sweet horse,
but, boy, is he dumb!
I hate to be too hard on him.
It could kill his spirit.
But, boy, is he silly! You're a silly horse.
He's just a baby, you know.
Here you are.
Thank you.
You're very gallant.
I'm just...
A romantic, I guess.
Be good this time.
Be good. Don't embarrass me.
Wait. Whoa, Thunder!
Oh! Oh! Thunder! Whoa, Thunder!
Wait! You dropped something!
(YELLING)
(WATER SPLASHING)
Good afternoon.
Good night, Ted.
Good night, Sharon.
Have a nice night, Mr. Pierce.
Thank you. Same to you, Richard.
(CAR HONKING)
WOMAN: Hold the elevator.
(HONKING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTING)
What the...
(THUNDER CRACKLING)
Why, hello.
Hello, yourself.
What a pleasant surprise!
Well, not really.
I just came to give you back your earring.
What earring?
I don't know whose it is. It fell out of your pocket yesterday,
when you got off your horse.
I decided to pick it up after you left so quickly.
Well, it's a nice earring, but it's not... It's not mine.
What would I be doing with an earring?
So what's new?
I'm going to be late for my dance class.
No, wait.
How about having dinner with me?
Thank you, but no.
I know this funny little place.
It's a fun little Chinese place,
where you sit down on the floor,
and you can eat with your hands
or chopsticks or anything you want.
For lunch?
No, I'm not free for lunch or dinner.
A little snack in between?
I'd better be going.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(INAUDIBLE)
What's your name?
Theodore Pierce.
Teddy, Ted.
(SIGHING)
Tomorrow, 6:00, Tulio's.
On Columbus?
Yeah.
How old's that suit?
This? I don't know.
Six, seven, eight years maybe.
It looks it.
Wait! What's your name?
Charlotte.
(THUNDER CRACKLING)
BUDDY: Even longer on the pants.
TEDDY: Longer on the pants?
It makes sense.
More sleeve.
You want more sleeve than this?
Listen to me. This is what I know.
But, Buddy, are you sure this style suits me?
You want to look good at funerals?
No, no. I'm just saying. I want to look nice, that's all.
Let me see you.
Put your arms down.
Now you're cooking with Crisco!
Robert Redford.
Mr. Van Gillian! Great news!
I just got the latest figures from Community Affairs.
The cable car campaign is a smash!
Every... All the TV stations,
channel five, channel three,
the newspapers, the magazines,
all they're talking about is the reopening of the cable cars.
It's unbelievable. You wouldn't believe it.
(LAUGHING) It is better than our wildest imagination.
We couldn't have hoped for a better campaign,
than what we've got right now, and it's due to you, sir.
It's a wonderful tribute to the whole concept.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey!
What it is.
I'd like to make a reservation for tonight, please.
A double room.
Uh, something with a king-size bed, if you have it.
MAN: (OVER PHONE) Let me have a look.
Yeah, I think we have that available.
Could I have your name, please?
Irving.
Julius Irving.
All right. Could you spell that for me, please?
I-R-V-I...
V-I?
No, wait a minute. Yes.
E-R-V-I...
E-R... N-G.
V-I-N-G.
WOMAN: Is there a Mr. Theodore Pierce here?
Mr. Pierce?
Sorry. Nobody here by that name.
Well, nobody's answering.
All right.
Now, wait.
Miss Charlotte who?
Wait! Wait! Hello. Don't hang up, please. That's for me.
Thank you.
Hello, Charlotte. It's Teddy. Where are you?
CHARLOTTE: I'm in Los Angeles.
In Los Angeles?
What are you doing there?
I'm sorry. I'm working.
I tried to phone you at the office,
but they said you were in a meeting
and that you couldn't be interrupted.
Oh, no.
So, listen, why don't you fly down?
To Los Angeles?
The last flight gets here at 10:00 PM.
I can meet you at the airport.
But I can't just...
Listen, we'll spend the evening together,
and we'll be back in San Francisco by 10:00 tomorrow morning.
Hello?
Teddy, hello?
* Don't drive drunk
* No, oh, don't drive drunk
* Mothers against drunk drivers are mad
* Don't drive drunk
* Don't drive
* No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
* Don't drive drunk
* Mothers against drunk drivers are mad *
Hi. What's all this, cutie?
A celebration.
For what? Just for fun.
I'm too tired to go anywhere,
so I thought we'd have a little party.
Just you, Becky, Missy, and me. What do you think?
Shall we have a drink?
That would be nice.
But take the phone off the hook.
Would you like to make love now?
Take the phone off the hook.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who's that?
I don't know yet.
MAN: Telegram for Theodore Pierce.
(SCATTING)
It's a telegram.
A telegram? Who for?
For you.
For me? Mmm.
Who from?
Um...
It's from the office.
All right, all right. Stop the kidding now.
No. It's no joke.
"You must attend the transport symposium
"in San Diego. Stop.
"Big press coverage. Stop.
"Tickets at airport, 8:30 flight. Stop.
"Return San Francisco tomorrow. Stop.
"Russell Lowry."
No.
No?
No, no.
No. I'm not going.
Teddy... I'm not going.
No.
(YELLS) No!
No!
I am not going!
How can you say no?
Easy. No. You see that?
That's not so difficult, is it?
I'm not going. I don't care if they fire me.
I'm not leaving my wife and kids!
Don't act like a child!
(SCREAMING)
All right! I'll go! (SCREAMS)
Wait a minute! Hold the plane!
Hold it!
I'm coming!
WOMAN ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
we are beginning our descent into Los Angeles.
Please fasten your seat belts,
extinguish all smoking materials...
Finished with your drink, sir?
What's your name?
Polly. Polly.
That's a lovely name.
Thank you.
Thanks very much, Polly.
Sure. You make the announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the captain has just informed me
that LA Airport is closed due to heavy fog.
(PASSENGERS GROANING)
We will be landing in San Diego,
where you will receive further instructions
once we're on the ground.
* I just called
* To say
* I love you
* Yeah
* I just called
* To say how much I care
* I do
* I just called
* To say I love you...
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Oh, hi, honey.
I was running from outside. I heard the phone ringing.
Oh, no, no. It's okay.
Go ahead.
I took Shelly and the girls to a movie.
Well, don't worry about me, honey.
I have to study anyway.
Shelly, please get out of my bedroom.
Are you afraid?
What?
Teddy, why are you giving me all these details?
I am going to scream.
So will I.
Of course you're in San Diego.
Where else would you be?
I am going to tell your mother.
She already knows.
What?
You're crazy.
I want to marry you.
(EXCLAIMS)
Yes, there's plenty of food.
Don't worry about me.
BECKY: Shelly!
Of course I miss you.
Me, too.
I love you.
Me, too.
BECKY: Shelly!
I love you. Bye-bye.
(KISSING)
Oh!
Are you going to finish the game or not?
You got any Hershey bars?
* I just called
* To say
* I love you
TEDDY: While Didi was waiting for me in San Francisco,
Charlotte was waiting in Los Angeles.
Two women waiting for me in the middle of the night!
Crazy as it seems, I had adventure in my life.
* And I mean it from the bottom of my heart *
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
TEDDY: Surprise of surprises.
The next day, Joey's wife came back with the kids
and the furniture.
Why she suddenly forgave him, nobody knew.
Eric?
Is there an Eric?
Come on.
(LAUGHING)
TEDDY: The next couple of days were full of surprises.
Hello, Ted.
I just wanted to say good morning
and have a lovely day.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
CHARLOTTE: Hello. How are you?
(WHISPERING)
TEDDY: The best surprise of all
was a phone call from Charlotte.
Just when I thought I might never see her again,
she called to find out
if I got back all right from San Diego.
During our 35-minute stroll,
I realized I was still in a deep fog.
WAITRESS: Here you go.
TEDDY: The only unpleasant surprise
was that in two days, Joe was back in form.
BUDDY: (LAUGHING) He's scared.
Well, I mean, at 2:oo in the morning, you could fool me.
What's the problem? You go over,
you get into bed, you see Dr. Schumacher...
"Oh, excuse me, Dr. Schumacher, I felt a chill coming on,
"I thought I better get under the covers."
(MEN LAUGHING)
You guys want to play some checkers?
Miss! Miss! Where can I buy some checkers?
MICHAEL: Come on. That's embarrassing.
I'm in the mood to play a little game if you have some time.
I'm very good, really.
GIRL: (CHUCKLING) Yeah, right.
She wasn't wearing a bra.
Did you see that? Did you see the way they bounced?
(LAUGHS) JOE: You'd kill for that, Teddy.
You kill for that.
TEDDY: I didn't notice that she wasn't wearing a bra.
JOE: You're weird, Teddy.
I looked at her good, though.
JOE: You're weird. He's a weird guy, isn't he?
TEDDY: Did you notice she didn't have a bra?
MICHAEL: What do I know? I see it every day.
You poor bitch.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(CAR STARTS)
(CAR PULLS AWAY)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
It's open.
How you doing?
Good.
I thought you'd painted this place.
I was going to before I moved in with my friend.
Well, you've got a nice chair.
Thanks.
What color are you going to paint?
Shocking pink.
(SIGHS)
This man walks into a doctor's office.
He says, "Doctor, I have a terrible problem.
"I can't remember anything."
And the doctor says,
I mean, the man says, "I can't think of...
"I don't even remember words.
"I can't retain a word.
"There's nothing that I say that I can remember."
And the doctor says,
"Well, how long have you had this problem?"
The man says, "What problem?"
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
That's your best joke.
You'll be all right.
It just takes time.
You want to see something?
Look at this thing. I feel silly.
What if I had a date?
You won't have a date.
I know. I said what if I had a date.
You won't have a date!
I know I said that! I said what if I had a date?
If you have a date, I'll be your chauffeur.
All right.
(LAUGHING) The joke is over.
A bet's a bet.
What... What was this bet?
Oh, I told him if I couldn't get him his new car by tonight,
I'd be his chauffeur.
So, where are we going?
We're going to Mama Dell's.
You're going on your first date
to your grandmother's?
No, you silly.
Charlotte and I made this date,
and I remembered it was Mama Dell's birthday.
So I called her up just to say hello and I found out
she's going to be all alone tonight on her 85th birthday.
We'll just drop by for five minutes, that's all.
Just to have a glass of champagne.
But I feel terrible because I know it would mean so much to her.
You don't mind, do you?
Of course not.
You don't feel concerned at all that...
What?
Well, I'm just saying, you know...
You're not worried?
Didi?
Didi and Mama Dell don't even talk to each other.
Oh. Okay.
Who's Didi?
(LAUGHS)
Didi.
(LAUGHING)
Didi is, uh...
Didi is, um...
Didi is Teddy's other grandmother.
Oh.
BUDDY: Funny woman.
Can't mention her name, but it makes you laugh.
What a kidder! (LAUGHING)
That Didi.
TEDDY: Will you do me a favor
and come up for three minutes, Buddy? (BUDDY GROANING)
She loves you. Just come up for two minutes
and have a glass of champagne.
I'll just come up and say hello and give her a kiss.
But I can't stay, honestly.
Okay. All right, I'll see you in two minutes.
Driver, you can't park here.
Oh, come on, pal, don't give me a hard time.
I'm just going to be a couple of minutes.
I'm not giving you a hard time.
You either move the car, or I call the police.
Go ahead. I'll be up.
I'll see you in a little while. All right.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(BUZZES DOORBELL)
You look beautiful tonight.
Thank you.
(SNIFFING)
You smell very good. What is it?
Sandalwood.
Don't worry. We don't have to stay long.
She'll understand.
MAMA DELL: Is that you, Teddy?
Mama Dell?
Come in, honey.
What's going on here?
Are you trying to save on the electricity bills?
Mama Dell, I'd like you to meet a...
* Happy birthday to you
* Happy birthday, dear Teddy
* Happy birthday to you
Well... (ALL LAUGHING)
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER) How do you like that?
I don't believe it.
Oh, no, Gilbert!
What are you doing here? You're in Arizona!
Happy birthday, cuz.
But today isn't my birthday. Tomorrow's my birthday.
Ain't no surprise tomorrow.
What's this guy doing up so late?
Stevesy, what are you doing up so late?
It's Steven now. No more Stevesy.
TEDDY: All right. No more Stevesy.
WOMAN: Happy birthday, honey. TEDDY: Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
You, devil woman!
Oh, happy birthday.
What are you doing to me?
Oh, you should have seen the look on your face!
You know why? 'Cause this is supposed to be your birthday.
Didi.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
BECKY: Happy birthday, Daddy.
My little baby.
MISSY: Happy birthday, Daddy. Another little baby.
Daddy, you smell good.
I didn't... Did I introduce you?
Didi.
Well, let me introduce you.
Uh, I was just so overwhelmed.
I'd like you to meet...
This is...
Everybody, please say hello...
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
You know, you really caught me off-guard, you silly people.
(ALL LAUGHING) No, honestly, you did.
You're silly.
You're just silly people.
Anyway, no, I do want you to say hello...
I want you to meet... Where's Mama Dell?
Where's that girl? MAMA DELL: Buddy!
Hello, sweetheart! (EXCLAIMING)
Didi! Didi! Hello, darling.
Hello. Oh, hello, kids.
Oh, hey! Hello, darling.
Hey! You lost some weight. You're looking great.
I didn't know it was a party.
Oh, Buddy, we didn't know you were coming.
I'm not coming. I mean, I can't stay, I can't stay.
I just wanted to come by and give the birthday girl a kiss.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
ALL: Aw.
Did you say hello, Charlotte?
Hello.
This is my sweetheart, Mama Dell.
This is my sweetheart. I love this girl.
Hello, Charlotte. Sit down, Charlotte.
No, no, no, no. We can't stay.
No, no, no. We've got tickets to a concert.
Two minutes. She's crazy about music.
What can I tell you? She's a stickler for being on time.
She's trying to reform me.
No, darling, we can't, we can't.
It's a family party. Everybody, have a good...
Happy birthday, Teddy. I'll give you your present tomorrow.
Honestly. Goodbye, Mama Dell. Happy birthday!
Say goodbye. Goodbye, darling. Goodbye.
Say goodbye, Charlotte. (ALL BIDDING GOODBYE)
Goodbye.
All right, goodbye. Goodbye, everybody.
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
MISSY: Yeah. Daddy, hurry up.
Whew!
Hold it! Hold it! I'll be right there.
Goodbye, sweetheart. Thanks for everything.
Bye, cuz. See you tomorrow.
Happy birthday, Teddy.
Bye-bye. DIDI: Bye-bye.
MAMA DELL: Bye. Come back soon. (DOOR CLOSES)
Now, I told you you cannot stay up late.
But let me watch this one show. No, no, no, no.
If it's cotton and if it's blue, you can't go wrong.
Now, don't go neurotic on me.
I love that present.
Teddy! Teddy, I'm really sorry.
I know it's your birthday. I hate to come running in the middle
of your celebration and everything. What? Say it.
He's flipped out. I think he's gonna kill himself.
Who? I don't know who you're talking about. Joey.
She left him! I don't know why!
Just... Bam! She walked out.
Where is he? He's across the street in the car.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Oh, no, no.
Teddy's like the voice of reason. You did the right thing.
But it's terrible.
I'm terrible at this stuff, Didi.
Oh, Michael.
Joey, I'm right here. Will you talk to me?
She left me, Teddy. I got to kill her!
Joey calm down.
Leave me alone so I can kill her! Joey!
I gotta kill her!
Joey... I gotta kill her!
Come here. Calm down. Just calm down.
Let me kill her. Will you calm down?
Joey, Joey, it will be all right.
Take it easy, you stupid bastard!
(MEN CLAMORING)
I'm done!
Calm down.
I'm finished!
Teddy, should I go home?
TEDDY: Yes! What?
Yes, go home!
Do you have a key?
Yes! Get the kids out of here!
All right. Girls, go on.
I'll... I'll be there in a minute.
(JOE YELLING)
She took my kids again, Teddy!
It'll be all right, Joe.
Why did she take my kids again? I don't know.
It'll be all right. Come on, get in the car.
Buddy, get in the driver's seat.
MAN: Shut up down there!
JOE: Up yours, you half a hard-on!
Let me get that peckerhead!
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Joey, I know you're in a lot of pain,
but I want to tell you something.
No, Teddy, I want to tell you something!
(HARMONIZING)
* Happy birthday to you
Oh, no!
* Happy birthday to you Oh, no!
* Happy birthday, dear Teddy You fucking jerks!
* Happy birthday to you
You're babies! You're little babies!
You're the biggest assholes I've ever seen in my life.
Wait a minute! We never said we weren't assholes.
TEDDY: What the hell are we doing? Where are we going?
Will somebody tell me that?
JOE: Somebody wants to see you.
MICHAEL: She's modeling from midnight till dawn,
and she wants you for breakfast.
(MEN HARMONIZING)
What am I supposed to say to her?
You say, "Hello, angel face. You want to see my goods?"
Get out of here. She wants you. Move it.
It was her idea. Ask Buddy.
She likes you. Go figure.
What are you talking about? Look at that face.
Look at those eyes, look at the nose, the way it sparkles.
What more could you want in a guy, right, Mikey?
How am I supposed to know? Ask Buddy.
Screw Buddy. I can go for him myself
if he'd just shave his legs like I keep telling him.
Shave them! (MEN LAUGHING)
Happy birthday, Teddy.
Happy birthday, pal.
JOE: Hey, Teddy, Teddy. Wait a minute. Come here a second.
Look, really, in all seriousness,
don't get your dick caught in your zipper.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You got no taste.
Taste? Who wants taste?
What the hell am I, Charlie the Tuna? Get outta here.
Let's go get some action. We're running out of laughs over here.
Let's go to the opera, drop our pants.
* Tender, warm, and serene are the words
* That might come close to having
* Remnants of the feelings
* That we can no longer hide
* Mighty, shining, and clear
* Are but mere expressions
* That don't come near
* To the ever glowing eminence of light
* In our eyes
* Tonight
* 'Cause moments aren't moments
* Until they are moments
* Like this magic moment of ours
* And magic's not magic
* Until it is magic
* Like magical love in our hearts
* Feeling with tender love-bloom
* Gentle
* Quiet, so soft
* Are the wings of love
* That can send us off to an ever splendor
* Unknown to all in our time *
Now, listen here, Teddy bear.
Four weeks ago,
I met a cute, available, old-fashioned guy
who liked horse riding.
In one month,
you got married, you had two daughters,
and you can't ride a horse to save your life.
Don't stare at your shoes. Look at me.
Because since tonight,
I want you more than I ever wanted any other man.
Can you tell me why?
I don't know.
You've been dreaming about this for a long time,
haven't you?
This isn't a dream anymore.
This is really happening.
* Baby, let's just take off our clothes
* And get naked from our heads to toes
* There's nothing that we can't share
* Till you drop them underwear
* Baby, won't you take off them clothes?
* And let's do it toe to toe
* I said, baby, let's take off them clothes *
So, where do you want to break the ice? Here or in bed?
Well, let's see.
I don't mind, really.
This is nice here. Bed is good.
The bed might be comfortable,
but lots of interesting chairs and stools, couches.
Come on. Let's get in bed.
(SPLASH)
It's a waterbed.
This should be fun.
Wait a minute. You're coming to bed with your shoes and socks?
Oh, sorry.
We don't want to start a fire.
They landed on the lamp. Would you mind taking them off?
Sorry.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Come and get it, cowboy.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Hello.
MAN: Charlotte.
Charlotte.
Yes.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
What is it?
Nothing. My husband's downstairs.
Your husband? Yeah. Hurry up, hurry up.
Come on, get dressed.
What do you mean, "Hurry up. Hurry up?" What husband?
Oh, please, hurry up. He wasn't due back until Friday.
But it's only Wednesday.
Yeah. You want to ask him why?
He's 6'2" and an airline pilot.
If he finds you here, he's going to kill you.
Get dressed.
What are you doing in my husband's robe?
I'm not going to get caught half-dressed.
This is silly. Why play games?
I'll talk to him man to man, that's all.
Are you crazy? He's going to tear your balls apart.
What are you doing? Where are we going?
Quickly, get outside.
This is a window. Yes, I know it's a window.
It's either this or the door.
You must be joking. That's 100 feet down there.
CHARLOTTE: Please. I won't be very long.
Oh, come on, Charlotte.
Please, I won't be long. He's probably got a taxi waiting.
He never stays. Look... (DOORBELL BUZZES)
Just stand out... Just stand out on the ledge.
Please, quickly. Don't worry. It's safe.
Oh, God.
Just wait for me there.
Jesus.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Coming, darling!
(MOUTHING)
(HORN HONKS)
(CROWD CHATTERING)
WOMAN: Who is that?
MAN: Oh, my God!
What's going on?
Call the fire department!
There's a man about to jump off that building!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(HORN HONKING)
(SIREN WAILING)
What's up, babe? Where are we going?
Suicide.
(CROWD SHOUTING)
Oh, no, not the ladders!
It scares them! It makes them jump every time!
Get it down! Take it out of there!
Take it down!
(SIRENS WAILING)
Come on, people. Let's cooperate here.
Let's have some cooperation. This is a dangerous area.
We've got a man up here on the ledge.
(CHATTERING CONTINUES)
Come on, give us a break.
Give us a break, ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me.
The press.
Excuse me.
Roger. We got it.
I got him, I got him.
MAN: All right. Do we have feed to the network?
Good. Let's go. Stand by. Counting down.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1... You're on.
Good morning. This is Marvin Kosper, Channel 5 News.
He looks a little like Daddy.
...a man was discovered on the ledge of a ninth floor...
It does.
The identity of the man is not yet known.
The police have arrived and fire department suicide team,
plus a substantial crowd.
All of us waiting here in the small courtyard below
are very unclear as to what the man's motives are.
He appears relaxed.
In fact, he's seated on a small windowsill right now,
smoking a cigarette,
but he looks disturbed by all the attention he's getting,
as he hides his face and waves the crowd away.
The police are more concerned about controlling the crowd
who are now calling for the man to jump.
The question being asked here today
is whether this man does or does not want to commit suicide.
Oh, Teddy.
1, 2, 3.
It'll be all right!
We'll catch you!
(SIRENS WAILING)
MAN: Jump.
Okay, stop, stop.
Dive!
(CROWD CLAMORING)
MAN: Oh, baby.
CHARLOTTE: (MOANING) Oh, so good.
(SPLASH)
(CHARLOTTE MOANING)
(SQUAWKING)
MAN: Ah! Yes, yes!
(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
TEDDY: What the hell am I doing?
I have a wonderful wife.
Jump! Jump!
I could have thrown my whole life away,
and for what?
A piece of ass.
Jump!
What's that girl doing?
What is she doing, taking more pictures?
Aw, no! Give me a break!
She is cute, though. Look at those legs.
Hey, come on, now.
Stop it. None of that stuff.
I made a mistake, I learned my lesson,
and I will never do it again.
* Baby, it's you
* Nobody has to tell me so
* It's you It's you
* And you're that angel sent from heaven above
* It's you
* Nobody has to tell me so
* It's you
* You're that angel sent from heaven above for me
* For you
* And you for me
* If only I had not waited
* I would have picked the wrong one
* If only I had not waited
* My life would be undone
* If only I had not waited
* I would have picked the wrong one
* If only I had not waited for you *
* I just called
* To say
* I love you
* I just called
* To say how much I care
* I do
* I just called
* To say
* I love you
* And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
* I just called
* To say
* I love you
* I just called
* To say how much I care
* I do
* I just called
* To say
* I love you
* And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
* Of my heart
* Baby, of my heart